i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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