Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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