a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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