so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
