Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
