i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
