I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
