I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
