Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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