when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
