awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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