47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
