Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
