I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
