I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
