3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
