Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
