Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you had me at cake vodka
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
