Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
