Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
