i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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