the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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