so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
