I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
