Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize