OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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