Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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