Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
