Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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