apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
