I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
where are you?
Hypothermia
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
