And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
