Cold hands, warm shart.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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