She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
