I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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