Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
