the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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