Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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