if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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