Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
