32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize