Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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