She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
