Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
