I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
