I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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