the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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