The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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