he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
