he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
