got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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