there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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