eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't deserve a penis
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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