i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
