I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
