I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
