I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
