so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
