made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
