the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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